The Day My Life Ended and Began
Fourteen years ago today, March 2nd 2009, my world shattered. I found my nine week old baby, Samuel, in his crib lifeless. I was beyond devastated and wished I had gone with him. All of the dreams surrounding my son were gone. My husband, at the time, fell further into a constant drug-induced haze and I was alone. Ultimately, I left and divorced Samuel’s father… scared and living on food stamps with little mouths to feed. I couldn’t even take care of myself. How was I capable of being a mother? Let alone, I must have been a “bad mother” to be given such a harsh life sentence without my dear Samuel.
My emotions surrounding my baby’s death ranged from uncontrollable grief to screaming anger. There wasn’t an instruction book as to how to do this unforeseen chapter in my life. No one really understood. I was told “be strong”, “you’ll get over it”, and “move on with life” by the unthinking and unknowing.
I was also filled with misplaced blame. I actually thought I killed my baby-not sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). I believed I deserved punishment and was doomed for an eternity of pain. I felt the loss of Samuel, along with my other miscarriages, had occurred because I wasn’t worthy, not enough-an outlook that prevailed since I was a little girl. Childhood molestation, rape, now the loss of my baby. It was just another event that added to my list of tragedies and victimization.
The heartbreak was more than I could bear and I threw myself into years of self-destructive behavior, coupled with alcohol and pills. In my two forthcoming books, I share the various transitions which led to my overall healing and how I came to find PURPOSE out of my PAIN-not only from Samuel’s death but also from the myriad of incidences that I thought would lead to my demise.
However, on the anniversary of this life-altering and life-changing day, I, particularly, want to reach out to women who have suffered this most horrible loss. You will grieve more and longer than anyone can fathom. However, you will live a different life and it can be one of meaning in a way that presently, you may not see. You will find happiness and love again or for some, perhaps the first time. You will discover purpose and rebirth. You will ,within the tears and gut-wrenching pain, experience an appreciation, understanding, and awareness of the unique legacy which your lost child serves. That precious baby who lived so entirely in such a short period of time on this Earth will be your gateway to a deeper healing above and beyond the loss, not only for you but many others.
I talk with Samuel every day. I know my son is proud of me. I acknowledge and give gratitude that he has contributed to me being a better woman, mother, and wife. He provided the inspiration for my passion in empowering women in fulfillment of their best lives, personally and professionally. In tribute, I also support infant loss and miscarriage awareness causes.I care extremely for women that have walked a similar path.
My publisher and I are hosting a high tea in Washington, D.C. in benefit and support, as well as a candlelight vigil. These are only the first of many in various cities and I would love to invite you to attend.
Join me. Reach out. Together, we can do so much and individually, we can assist in building strength and action
To women who have lost-I understand. I know. You aren’t alone. Be a part of our amazing group of women filled with love and support. Together, we rise.
